If you wait until you’re ready, then you’ll never get started.
Selfish Complaint: I Can’t Get the Job I Want!
I recently transferred into Community Development with aim of working with refugees, people with barriers to employment, homeless people, victims of bullying, etc. I’m excited about leading programs or even starting a social business. I’m excited to demonstrate my strengths and to work on my weaknesses. I cannot wait to get out there!
But, before I work on these goals, I want to make sure that my cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents who live in Indonesia are okay. I am so blessed to have had all these opportunities in life and would be thrilled to make sure that my family also have a variety of opportunities. Due to financial difficulty and distance, my family have limited options to continue their education or find sustainable employment.
If I had the money, I would want to help my cousins get the qualifications they need to secure a suitable job. If I had the money, I would help them to overcome struggles they currently face with the small businesses they own. If I had the money, I would stay in their villages for a few months to help with everyday tasks in order to give them time to work on their goals.
But, I don’t have a reliable income. I’m currently stuck babysitting for a family while studying full-time. The family that employs me are wonderful people who are generous and hospitable. I want to work on my goals immediately and need more money to do so. But, I don’t know how to quit without being rude. The children I look after enjoy the time I spend with them…and here I am selfishly wanting to quit. I don’t even have to guts to be 100% honest.
In the 6 months that have passed, I didn’t speak up. Can I do it for a further 12 months? I hope that God will help me to become a more patient and grateful person. I hope that I will be able to work on these goals as soon as possible because I want to make sure that my family are able to reach their goals.
Such a heavy introvert, needing too many hours alone, when will I ever feel entirely comfortable around them? It’s always an effort, as though my energy bank is exhausted when I spend too many hours in their presence.
Sometimes, having the guts to take a few steps back is the best way to demonstrate leadership and to effectively move ahead. Though the move may come with feelings of shame, the opportunity to re-evaluate and refine will undoubtedly make you stronger in the future.
I wish I could show you my scars - some are shallow, some are deep. If I use them to justify my failures, maybe then I would not feel so weak.
You hold on tight to their judgements of you. Your grip is so firm, it influences your every step. They are disgusted by your presence, doubt your every ability and neglect to perceive every essence of who you are. They leave such prominent scars and tarnish your self-perception. Yet, you STILL keep holding on.
Sometimes, it takes a challenge - a new role or a confrontation with your worst fear - for the inner turmoil to emerge and for all the scars to reappear.
Sometimes, the ocean floor is only a stop on the journey. And it is when you are at this lowest point, that you are faced with a choice. You can stay there at the bottom, until you drown. Or you can gather pearls and rise back up—stronger from the swim, and richer from the jewels.
Sometimes I put others ahead of myself to make myself feel better, as though no-one else can be as generous as I am. The act is so insincere. But I’ll work to purify my intentions for a good deed is best when carried out with pure, unselfish intentions.
Let your mistakes become valuable, life lessons instead of regrets.
I can finally stand firm while knowing that my father will always have such an astounding admiration of my sister. He praises her every action as though she is the only one with good intentions. He never speaks of me because he just doesn’t know my heart and doesn’t make any attempt to learn about who I am. He’ll always be the one who continues to expect so little of me. I feel so small when I look at myself through his narrow filter.
I gain strength in knowing that my mother believes in me and that my friends believe in me. While my father has boxed me into a small compartment, I am not physically bound by his perception and am free to be great as long as God allows me to be.
I honestly don’t trust the man who is supposed to support and love me unconditionally. I hope that he is forgiven for all his sins and rewarded for his good intentions. I’m glad that my sister has someone who believes in so, so much - I only wish it didn’t hurt me so much to know.
If you suffer from anxiety, self harm, depression, bulimia, anorexia, body dismorphia, or are suicidal reblog this. I don’t care how many notes this gets I wanna follow all of you all. <3
Layers and layers of negativity
My goal for the week is to think positively for a week. I never realised just how frequent my negative thought patterns have been. Every thought is tainted with doubt and despair. I have a stable setting around me, but I’m completely shattered within. I don’t know how to move on from here.
My selective heart
I don’t have a generous heart that is open to supporting the people around me. The people around me are fortunate enough to have security. Their hardships don’t compare to the ones faced by people experiencing restrictive, adverse landscapes. No matter how crippling my state of mind can be, my circumstance is no comparison either.
When I think about people’s struggle to ensure safety within their own homes, to adequately provide basic necessities for their family and to erase the scars of war and brutality, I find it hard to care about certain community programs in this first-world society. Unfortunately, I have commited myself to various programs on a volunteer basis. I thought it would be fulfilling, a great use of my time, but I was wrong.
It takes a tremendous amount of effort to care for something that you don’t naturally care about. Perhaps, that’s how my parents feel about me.
I know I have the opportunity to influence the students I work with to become the change-makers and do-gooders in this world, but at this very moment, that’s just not enough for me - I just want to be out there, working with impoverished communities who desperately need a hand. Being the extremely unstable person that I am - the one with constantly changing emotions - I can only expect that I’ll eventually abandon people once they have firmly established a stable way of life. Is that really the kind of person I am?
Sitting, waiting, wishing…
I’ve been trying to gain employment for quite some time now. My efforts have been unsuccessful so far. I feel utterly lousy and hopeless. How will I ever help people to reach their full potential when I can’t manage to become more independent?
I constantly plan for my future - I dream, I do my research, I gather inspiration, but I seem to remain in the same position.
I have always dreamt of starting a social enterprise while studying. I’ve dreamt of continuing my studies at the University of Capetown while getting to know surrounding communities. I’ve pictured a life of teaching, inventing, creating, inspiring and learning. I’ve envisioned a life filled with hardwork, productivity and progress. I know I want to help people reach opportunities that have always been available to me. When you’re blessed with a life filled with choice, it becomes your duty to pass on these blessings to others who were born into more challenging landscapes. Perhaps I should paint a vibrant, elaborate vision of my dreams so that I may strive towards it with more determination.
If I had financial independence, I would be closer to reaching my goals. But I guess I’ll have to patiently wait by focusing on healing, gaining strength and acquiring necessary skills.