~The Anxious, Clumsy Dreamer~

I can finally stand firm while knowing that my father will always have such an astounding admiration of my sister. He praises her every action as though she is the only one with good intentions. He never speaks of me because he just doesn’t know my heart and doesn’t make any attempt to learn about who I am. He’ll always be the one who continues to expect so little of me. I feel so small when I look at myself through his narrow filter.

I gain strength in knowing that my mother believes in me and that my friends believe in me. While my father has boxed me into a small compartment, I am not physically bound by his perception and am free to be great as long as God allows me to be.

I honestly don’t trust the man who is supposed to support and love me unconditionally. I hope that he is forgiven for all his sins and rewarded for his good intentions. I’m glad that my sister has someone who believes in so, so much - I only wish it didn’t hurt me so much to know.

(Source: falsepercepti0n)

My goal for the week is to think positively for a week. I never realised just how frequent my negative thought patterns have been. Every thought is tainted with doubt and despair. I have a stable setting around me, but I’m completely shattered within. I don’t know how to move on from here.

I don’t have a generous heart that is open to supporting the people around me. The people around me are fortunate enough to have security. Their hardships don’t compare to the ones faced by people experiencing restrictive, adverse landscapes. No matter how crippling my state of mind can be, my circumstance is no comparison either.

When I think about people’s struggle to ensure safety within their own homes, to adequately provide basic necessities for their family and to erase the scars of war and brutality, I find it hard to care about certain community programs in this first-world society. Unfortunately, I have commited myself to various programs on a volunteer basis. I thought it would be fulfilling, a great use of my time, but I was wrong.

It takes a tremendous amount of effort to care for something that you don’t naturally care about. Perhaps, that’s how my parents feel about me.

I know I have the opportunity to influence the students I work with to become the change-makers and do-gooders in this world, but at this very moment, that’s just not enough for me - I just want to be out there, working with impoverished communities who desperately need a hand. Being the extremely unstable person that I am - the one with constantly changing emotions - I can only expect that I’ll eventually abandon people once they have firmly established a stable way of life. Is that really the kind of person I am?

I’ve been trying to gain employment for quite some time now. My efforts have been unsuccessful so far. I feel utterly lousy and hopeless. How will I ever help people to reach their full potential when I can’t manage to become more independent?

I constantly plan for my future - I dream, I do my research, I gather inspiration, but I seem to remain in the same position.

I have always dreamt of starting a social enterprise while studying. I’ve dreamt of continuing my studies at the University of Capetown while getting to know surrounding communities. I’ve pictured a life of teaching, inventing, creating, inspiring and learning. I’ve envisioned a life filled with hardwork, productivity and progress. I know I want to help people reach opportunities that have always been available to me. When you’re blessed with a life filled with choice, it becomes your duty to pass on these blessings to others who were born into more challenging landscapes. Perhaps I should paint a vibrant, elaborate vision of my dreams so that I may strive towards it with more determination.

If I had financial independence, I would be closer to reaching my goals. But I guess I’ll have to patiently wait by focusing on healing, gaining strength and acquiring necessary skills.

It’s extremely difficult to avoid comparing yourself to those around you when you have an overwhelmingly self-critical mindset. I’m 21 and have younger friends as well as a younger sister who are miles ahead of me - they’re self-assured, determined, happy and on a steady path to becoming who they want to be. I struggle to walk away from feelings of envy and frustration. I hate coming to terms with who I am right now. My only hope is that I’ll progress at a much faster pace once I overcome my anxieties and depression.

As you grow with experience and wisdom, it would be a relief to know that life really does get easier as you progress. But in this unpredictable reality, we know that life is constantly challenging. It’s something I have to expect for when I become optimistic about the future, I’m frequently let down.

An older peer once told me that it does get easier as you learn how to cope more effectively. But how do you cope when no one in your life can relate to the shameful, crippling feelings that constantly slow down progress. You want to take a risk but can’t find the confidence to ‘simply be’ around other people. They’re intimidating and more worthy than you’ll ever be. It’s overwhelming to be in their presence. Every move they make is an official and admirable one. They cannot see the thoughts that hold me back - they only see my weak performance.

No matter how sincere my intentions are, I always feel like a fraud, pretending to fulfill every role. I’m an unsuccesful student, daugther, older sister, friend and team member. Every effort is so flawed, every step is in the wrong direction. How will I ever become who I truly want to be?

Tumblr developers really need to add a ‘read later’ button.

I thought that if I worked towards enjoying the things my friends liked - getting dolled up, dancing and shopping together - I would finally feel adequate. But I was wrong. It’s an unnatural act for me to fit into that mould. I’ve always been more interested in watching documentaries, creative activities, inspiring people, gaining knowledge, self-development and doing things for a positive purpose. It sounds completely lame, but that’s my idea of enjoyment. Because I’ve recently met people with similar interests, I can now feel comfortable about being who I am. In the past, I would always feel ashamed or rude for wanting to go in another direction.